


Lucius Malfoy's Diary

by archwrites (Arch)



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: Gen, Humor, Parody, Pastiche, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-15
Updated: 2009-11-15
Packaged: 2017-10-02 21:19:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arch/pseuds/archwrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crack!fic, obviously, mocking Cassandra Cla(i)re's Very Secret Diaries and fanon-and/or-movie!Lucius.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lucius Malfoy's Diary

Tuesday, 1 September.  
Back at Hogwarts again. Bullied some first-years on the Hogwarts Express -- titchy little Gryffindor-style mongrels that tried to be brave and ended up just cheeky and stupid with tentacles sprouting from their dirty little heads. Narcissa Black looking good, which is a relief as would be tedious to have to marry a hag (literally or figuratively) and even Malfoy family pride could not sustain me through the tribulations of having an ugly/poor wife. Seventh year promises to be jolly!

Thursday, 3 September.  
Woke up late, missed breakfast, have been in foul mood all day, plus hair is misbehaving in abnormal un-Malfoy fashion. SOMEONE must have cursed it. Is only explanation.

Friday, 4 September.  
Hair still alarming and inexplicable, possibly demon-possessed. Pomfrey clearly incompetent, not to mention insulting, as if some pathetic first-year's broom injuries could possibly be more important than a Malfoy.

Crabbe and Goyle suggest Sleekeazy's, but suspect they are just lazy and tired of massaging my scalp and performing various cosmetic spells. They should try some on themselves. Oafs.

Sunday, 6 September.  
DARK MAGIC IS AFOOT. Hair crisis continues unabated. Must be work of powerful Dark Wizard -- but as I am president of Dark Wizards Club, cannot think who else could possibly be clever enough to perform such a dastardly and complicated enchantment.

Am thinking of sending owl to Dark Lord to test waters; perhaps is his idea of joke, or test of my loyalty. Cannot think of more wretched test.

Even Weasley has been snickering when he doesn't think I am watching. But I am always watching and know exactly who has been laughing at me, all of them, and will visit my avenging wrath upon them someday. Still, am comforted that no matter how desperately hair behaves, at least I do not look as if my head has been thatched and then torched, like that carrot-headed blood traitor.

People to smite (in addition to Weasley):   
Smith  
Abbott  
Bones  
Vance  
Prewett brothers  
Longbottom  
Andromeda Black  
Professor McGonagall  
Most of Gryffindor House  
The giant squid (have not forgotten humiliating groping incident of third year)  
Madam Pomfrey if she continues to treat me like some common student  
Bumblebore, who I swear is LAUGHING every time he looks at me, the loony old bastard.

Also anyone who calls me "Luscious" unless they are (a) female (b) hot (c) pureblood and (d) named Narcissa, because otherwise Father will strike me down from afar because philandering besmirches the family name. Not that Narcissa ever talks to me anyway. Bitch.

Wednesday, 9 September.  
Had brilliant idea in class for torture device that is combination blades, fire, and Dark Magic amplifier. Cannot wait to have offspring of my own to test it on. Nothing will be greater fun than having own heir to beat, torture, and verbally abuse just like I was. Violence integral part of healthy childhood and necessary to raise well-adjusted young men like self. Will be jolly good fun to abuse wife as well, especially if Narcissa keeps insisting on having her own thoughts and opinions. Don't care that they do mostly coincide with my own. Point is that she should have MY opinions, not hers.

Dark Lord doing well; has sent chocolates from Secret Hidden Location. Nice to know he is thinking of me. Perhaps apologetic re: hair debacle?

Must not forget to bring nosh to next D.E. meeting. Red or white wine for Muggle-torturing, I wonder? Should ask Mother in next letter.  



End file.
